Today finishes up the second week of the Georgia Legislative Session. If you, kind and gentle reader, perused my About The Author page you will know I am one of those evil lobbyists, one who is sprinkled with extra-evil sauce since I used to be a Legislator too (cough – insider – cough cough). For the last two weeks I have traipsed down to what I grew up knowing as Corny Joke World and more recently as the House of Nerds, the Georgia Capitol. Please, Olive Crazy, tell us what you mean.
When I was 14, my Dad, the former high school drop out, apprentice electrician, WWII Navy dentist mate, Citadel grad, law school student, med school student, banker, seminarian, semi-pro football player, high school history teacher and football coach (those two go together like butter and rebar), farm chemical engineer, oil well lease negotiator, child psychologist, … added to his Benjamin Franklin-like career list and became a lobbyist for the most holy Roman Catholic Church. Since Dad was a big-time family guy, he took me, the oldest of his eight gorgeous and smart children, along with him to the Georgia Capitol during Legislative Session.
I was thrilled to get pulled out of school for a week or two to make the two and a half hour drive over to Atlanta to become the indentured servant of the Governor, Lieutenant Governor, Speaker, Clerk of the House, and Secretary of the Senate. Sometimes I got to be a Page. Being a Page was the best. When it was my turn to go into the House or Senate Chamber some old man would give me money to buy him a candy bar or some smokes. I’d get to keep the change.
However, I did have to endure a few indignities, one was constantly having my head patted and the other was listening to and politely laughing at corny jokes, hence the place came to be known to me as Corny Joke World. When I stepped into Corny Joke World last week I saw one of the guys who used to tell the corniest jokes and yes after 40 years (I am 54 now) he is still hanging out at the Capitol and lobbying for anyone who will pay him. I wondered if he still had that round wooden disk in his pocket that had TUIT engraved on it.
Next to Mr. Corny Joke Lobbyist was one of my fellow members of the House of Nerds. A member of the House of Nerds is a former or current Member of the Georgia General Assembly who watches Dr. Who, makes strange comments like, “I hope we’re out (of Session) by Towel Day (May 25th),” or, like me, had alternating laptop screen savers of Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica characters and scenes.
My fellow member of the House asked me about the latest in the olive world and I, of course, regaled him and Mr. CJL in verbal, brain-dump fashion. This chased away Mr. CJL but my fellow nerd stayed around listening with rapt attention. Score!
One of the things I told him about was the olive conference which was to be held on January 19th and 20th in Dixon, California and how much I was looking forward to reading the proposed olive oil marketing order. Then in true nerd-fashion one of us started talking about the conference like it was a Con (ya know – Comic Con, Dragon Con, …) we pretended that all our favorite sci fi characters were making presentations and we did it in funny voices. We laughed so hard my mascara ran. I repaired to the ladies for a touch up.
Here is my fictitious and very nerdy schedule for todays Olive Con events.
Olive Con Day Two – Friday, January 20, 2012
|8:00 AM||Introduction and welcome to the Fleet||Commander William Adama|
|8:00 AM – 8:45 AM||International perspective, evolution of the SHD olive, ‘Lessons learned from Kobol’||President Laura Roslin|
|8:45 AM – 9:30 AM||Mechanical hedging research trials – how to best use your Cylon||Chief Galen Tyrol|
|9:30 AM – 9:45 AM||Break||Elosha will be in the lobby reading from the scrolls of Pythia.|
|9:45 AM – 10:30 AM||Latest research on olive knot disease and blood sampling||Dr. Gaius Baltar|
|10:30 AM – 11:15 AM||Soil type and suitability of SHD olive orchards, importance of evaluation and preparation in order to take over the universe||Caprica aka Number Six|
|11:15 PM – 12:00 PM||Tradeshow||Check out the new Cylon harvester models in the middle of the tradeshow floor.|
|12:00 PM – 1:00 PM||Lunch and Tradeshow||Try the dried algae. Don’t forget to pour some extra virgin olive oil on it. Outer space diets are bland.|
|1:00 PM – 1:45 PM||Crop insurance and new iPhone app||Lieutenant Felix Gaeta|
|1:45 PM – 2:30 PM||New SHD trellis system – it’s a two toaster job||Boomer and Athena aka Number Eight|
|2:30 PM – 3:15 PM||Irrigation scheduling, crop management, orchard monitoring, and fertility experimentation||Simon aka Number Four|
|3:15 PM – 4:00 PM||Q & A panel of afternoon speakers – some talking in riddles||Cylon Models One through Twelve, the Final Five, and a Hybrid|
|4:00 PM||End (GET OUT)||Big shiny Cylons will escort you out of the building so they can clean up after you. This will make them resentful and they will declare war on us, but not just yet.|
|Now, head to the parking lot to watch the C-Bucs play a riveting game of Pyramid. The Ambrosia and Hooch table will be manned by Colonel Saul Tigh, Ellen Tigh, and Captain Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace. Hurry or the drinks will be all gone since they are lushes. Return to your respective ships and don’t forget, as you ponder the proposed olive oil marketing order, “this has all happened before and it will all happen again.” So – get it right!|
May the sun shine through your branches.
PS For those of you who didn’t get some of the references here you go: Towel Day – a nod to Douglas Adams’, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; and the round wooden disk with TUIT engraved on it involves a joke that ends with, “get around to it.” No matter how hard I’ve tried I can’t remember how the “round TUIT” joke goes and I’m too scared to ask Mr. CJL – he might tell me.